The process

Since Ellie happened, we have found ourselves asked by numerous people about the adoption process, how we went about it and such. These questions thrill us-- adoption has been close to our hearts for so long and we believe that those who are able and led should adopt, and we know, first hand, how scary it is to start down that road. I thought it might be good for me to gather my thoughts here and maybe try to address the various questions that we've been asked. Be prepared--my thoughts, must like me, are quite wordy so this post is sure to be long.

Choosing a method:
This is the biggest hurdle I think. There are so many different options when it comes to adoption and looking online is scary! I had been looking, literally, for years. I remember bookmarking agencies when Hannah was just a baby. The first big question is international or domestic adoption. I, honestly, wanted to do international. To me it seemed less selfish (I honestly have struggled with concerns about selfishness in adopting as a healthy, fertile young woman) and meets such an obvious need-giving homes to children in orphanges. It is also uncomplicated by birth-families still being in the picture.

However, international adoption carries quite a few complications on it's own. Our first method of choice was to adopt a baby girl from China. We left Princeton, when Abby was 8 months old, convinced that our adoption story would play out that way, so convinced that we sold all our newborn stuff and gave away most of our clothes for girls younger then 9 months (most babies are adopted between 9 months and 2 years old). But China changed it laws and slowed down the process so that it now stretches out the waiting time. I'm not quoting any sources, but when I last looked, 3 years ago, it was rumored to be 3 plus years waiting, maybe up to 5. I have no idea if that is true, but our family no longer fit with their program. I'll be honest, I was pretty heartbroken to see that dream end. But there are many other international programs so I spent a lot of time looking into them. Again, over three years ago and I have no idea what it is like now, but when I looked, I couldn't find one that fit us. We were hampered by a few things- one, we were not infertile which many programs require; two, our sweet girls at home; three, we wanted to preserve the birth order of our family and adopt a child under 2; four, we could not afford to do programs that required multiple trips to the country of origin, sometimes requiring up to a month long stay at a time. There is also the danger of programs abruptly closing down, as most recently demonstrated by Russia which has dashed the hopes of many families at various stages in the process. Slowly, we came to the conclusion that there wasn't an international program that fit our family and adoption goals. I am by no means saying that international adoption isn't great and that you shouldn't look into it, but for us, it just didn't fit.

That left domestic, which still left many choices. We looked some into foster adopt but, when we tried to work with Seattle based agency that shall remain nameless, they never returned our calls or answered our questions, so we decided not to. I'll also be honest and say that the fear of losing a child after having it for a year or more was too much for me. The thought of losing your child was for me the scariest part of adoption and with foster adopt it is a bigger risk factor. I couldn't do that and I also couldn't potentially do that to Hannah and Abby. I think that was a wise decision on our part when I saw how stressed out I became the week before Ellie's finalization when I had a knot in my stomach and my jaw hurt unbearably bad due to clenching it. Adoption comes with a risk but the risk was more manageable in an open adoption. That said, part of me really regrets not looking into foster adopt more and attempting to find a way to make it work.

So, that left us at a domestic open adoption. Google that. You will find countless agencies that can help you along that path. So how do you choose? We went with Lifetime Adoption, which technically is not an agency but a "facilitator". The best way to describe "facilitator" as opposed to agency is that Lifetime is more like a dating site that matches compatible adoptive families with compatible birth moms. We had our set of preferences for the the type of birth mom/adoption situation we were looking for and Lifetime would send our information (as snazzy scrap booked profile) to the birth moms who met our criteria and who also had a set of criteria that we met. Does that make sense? Lifetime also guides the families through all that they need to do (make profiles, set up websites, etc), provides monthly webinars to answer questions and help prepare families for the adoption process and just really held our hand through our short "match" time when we were getting Ellie. The lawyers we worked with were not Lifetime lawyers, but they were lawyers that Lifetime recommended and actually called for us because we were on an airplane. Our coordinator definitely talked a lot with Ellie's birth mom since she really didn't feel comfortable talking with us. I would, without a question, recommend Lifetime to anyone looking to do a domestic adoption.

We choose them for several reasons.
           ~One, and this is what grabbed our attention, they do a lot African American adoptions. Generally speaking, African American babies have a harder time being placed for adoption. When we decided to adopt domestically, we wanted to fill a need by being open to adopting a child who might be harder to place due to race, prenanatal exposure or other factors. That said, we were presented to anyone who met our criteria that we also met their criteria.
          ~We also liked their attitude towards birth moms. They seem to have a heart for them and go out of their way to help them out. They have established a foundation that provides scholarship funds to help birth moms get their feet on the right track, which I liked.
         ~They also, and we didn't learn this till later,  have a very Christian approach to it all. Their website, unlike other Christian adoption agencies, doesn't show their faith on their banner, but every person we dealt with came at adoption with their faith front and center. I'm not sure of their reasoning with why they don't make their faith more front and center, although through their monthly webinars I have gained a good feel for why they do what they do and my guess is that they want to be sensitive to the many different places birth moms come from and don't want to scare any of them away.
       ~Lastly, and this we learned only through the long wait, they never gave up on us and, even when we exceeded our contracted time with us, they told us time and again not to worry, they would work with us and help us till our baby came home.
I should also add that we visited their national office, which is located in Northern California, twice, once before we signed with them and once mid-way. For me, seeing them at work and seeing the walls of photographs of all the placed babies made it bearable when the doubts crept in and I thought our adoption dream would never come true.

The cost:
Adoption isn't cheap.

We, like many other people who live by faith, followed a path that we knew would cost us. I honestly don't view it very differently then when Kevin decided not to be an engineer but instead a pastor or when I decided to become a teacher. We faithfully followed and trusted that God would provide.

The hardest part we found is needing a large chunk of money upfront, knowing that you get some of that money back later. There is a lovely adoption tax credit that Congress just made permanent (up until the last minute fiscal cliff deal, it was renewed year by year). There is also a great grant by PC(USA) Board of Pensions that you get when you sign the baby up for insurance. But all these happen after the fact and you need the cold hard cash to start. It is tricky and I would advise anyone to look around as much as you can.  There are loans, some with very low interest, for adoptions. I've heard of putting it on a credit card with low interest and paying it off as fast as you can. We decided to refinance our house which we were going to have done anyways due to our home's increased value and wanting to lose our mortgage insurance and other factors. For us, it made sense and was a very good financial choice to get cash up front, however we also bought a foreclosed home and poured blood, sweat and tears into it. We also devoted a big portion of my pay check to the adoption for quite awhile so that, when the time came, we had a good stash to pay for the immediate costs of lawyers, hotels and other stuff. But without a doubt, the upfront need for money is the biggest obstacle there is to adoption. That said, well over half our adoption costs we expect to get back through both the grant and tax credit. There are some other grants out there you can also apply for, althought we found most of them to not be available unless you are already in the process of adopting.

But really:
I doubt I'm not the only one who has looked at adoption and worried that they might not love their adopted child the same as their biological child. It wasn't a concern that made me lose sleep. After all, as a teacher I learned that I could love any child and have, every year, wished that I could take home at least a few of my students who I knew went to homes where there was a lack of love and care. But now, I am slightly embarrassed when people express that we did something extra-ordinary or special. Bringing Ellie into our home might have started as a calling, a sense that God wanted us to help a child who needed help, but raising Ellie will not be anything like that. Ellie is ours. Ours like Hannah is ours. Ours like Abby is ours. Ellie came into our family in a different fashion than Hannah and Abby, but now that she is here, it is no different.