The process

Since Ellie happened, we have found ourselves asked by numerous people about the adoption process, how we went about it and such. These questions thrill us-- adoption has been close to our hearts for so long and we believe that those who are able and led should adopt, and we know, first hand, how scary it is to start down that road. I thought it might be good for me to gather my thoughts here and maybe try to address the various questions that we've been asked. Be prepared--my thoughts, must like me, are quite wordy so this post is sure to be long.

Choosing a method:
This is the biggest hurdle I think. There are so many different options when it comes to adoption and looking online is scary! I had been looking, literally, for years. I remember bookmarking agencies when Hannah was just a baby. The first big question is international or domestic adoption. I, honestly, wanted to do international. To me it seemed less selfish (I honestly have struggled with concerns about selfishness in adopting as a healthy, fertile young woman) and meets such an obvious need-giving homes to children in orphanges. It is also uncomplicated by birth-families still being in the picture.

However, international adoption carries quite a few complications on it's own. Our first method of choice was to adopt a baby girl from China. We left Princeton, when Abby was 8 months old, convinced that our adoption story would play out that way, so convinced that we sold all our newborn stuff and gave away most of our clothes for girls younger then 9 months (most babies are adopted between 9 months and 2 years old). But China changed it laws and slowed down the process so that it now stretches out the waiting time. I'm not quoting any sources, but when I last looked, 3 years ago, it was rumored to be 3 plus years waiting, maybe up to 5. I have no idea if that is true, but our family no longer fit with their program. I'll be honest, I was pretty heartbroken to see that dream end. But there are many other international programs so I spent a lot of time looking into them. Again, over three years ago and I have no idea what it is like now, but when I looked, I couldn't find one that fit us. We were hampered by a few things- one, we were not infertile which many programs require; two, our sweet girls at home; three, we wanted to preserve the birth order of our family and adopt a child under 2; four, we could not afford to do programs that required multiple trips to the country of origin, sometimes requiring up to a month long stay at a time. There is also the danger of programs abruptly closing down, as most recently demonstrated by Russia which has dashed the hopes of many families at various stages in the process. Slowly, we came to the conclusion that there wasn't an international program that fit our family and adoption goals. I am by no means saying that international adoption isn't great and that you shouldn't look into it, but for us, it just didn't fit.

That left domestic, which still left many choices. We looked some into foster adopt but, when we tried to work with Seattle based agency that shall remain nameless, they never returned our calls or answered our questions, so we decided not to. I'll also be honest and say that the fear of losing a child after having it for a year or more was too much for me. The thought of losing your child was for me the scariest part of adoption and with foster adopt it is a bigger risk factor. I couldn't do that and I also couldn't potentially do that to Hannah and Abby. I think that was a wise decision on our part when I saw how stressed out I became the week before Ellie's finalization when I had a knot in my stomach and my jaw hurt unbearably bad due to clenching it. Adoption comes with a risk but the risk was more manageable in an open adoption. That said, part of me really regrets not looking into foster adopt more and attempting to find a way to make it work.

So, that left us at a domestic open adoption. Google that. You will find countless agencies that can help you along that path. So how do you choose? We went with Lifetime Adoption, which technically is not an agency but a "facilitator". The best way to describe "facilitator" as opposed to agency is that Lifetime is more like a dating site that matches compatible adoptive families with compatible birth moms. We had our set of preferences for the the type of birth mom/adoption situation we were looking for and Lifetime would send our information (as snazzy scrap booked profile) to the birth moms who met our criteria and who also had a set of criteria that we met. Does that make sense? Lifetime also guides the families through all that they need to do (make profiles, set up websites, etc), provides monthly webinars to answer questions and help prepare families for the adoption process and just really held our hand through our short "match" time when we were getting Ellie. The lawyers we worked with were not Lifetime lawyers, but they were lawyers that Lifetime recommended and actually called for us because we were on an airplane. Our coordinator definitely talked a lot with Ellie's birth mom since she really didn't feel comfortable talking with us. I would, without a question, recommend Lifetime to anyone looking to do a domestic adoption.

We choose them for several reasons.
           ~One, and this is what grabbed our attention, they do a lot African American adoptions. Generally speaking, African American babies have a harder time being placed for adoption. When we decided to adopt domestically, we wanted to fill a need by being open to adopting a child who might be harder to place due to race, prenanatal exposure or other factors. That said, we were presented to anyone who met our criteria that we also met their criteria.
          ~We also liked their attitude towards birth moms. They seem to have a heart for them and go out of their way to help them out. They have established a foundation that provides scholarship funds to help birth moms get their feet on the right track, which I liked.
         ~They also, and we didn't learn this till later,  have a very Christian approach to it all. Their website, unlike other Christian adoption agencies, doesn't show their faith on their banner, but every person we dealt with came at adoption with their faith front and center. I'm not sure of their reasoning with why they don't make their faith more front and center, although through their monthly webinars I have gained a good feel for why they do what they do and my guess is that they want to be sensitive to the many different places birth moms come from and don't want to scare any of them away.
       ~Lastly, and this we learned only through the long wait, they never gave up on us and, even when we exceeded our contracted time with us, they told us time and again not to worry, they would work with us and help us till our baby came home.
I should also add that we visited their national office, which is located in Northern California, twice, once before we signed with them and once mid-way. For me, seeing them at work and seeing the walls of photographs of all the placed babies made it bearable when the doubts crept in and I thought our adoption dream would never come true.

The cost:
Adoption isn't cheap.

We, like many other people who live by faith, followed a path that we knew would cost us. I honestly don't view it very differently then when Kevin decided not to be an engineer but instead a pastor or when I decided to become a teacher. We faithfully followed and trusted that God would provide.

The hardest part we found is needing a large chunk of money upfront, knowing that you get some of that money back later. There is a lovely adoption tax credit that Congress just made permanent (up until the last minute fiscal cliff deal, it was renewed year by year). There is also a great grant by PC(USA) Board of Pensions that you get when you sign the baby up for insurance. But all these happen after the fact and you need the cold hard cash to start. It is tricky and I would advise anyone to look around as much as you can.  There are loans, some with very low interest, for adoptions. I've heard of putting it on a credit card with low interest and paying it off as fast as you can. We decided to refinance our house which we were going to have done anyways due to our home's increased value and wanting to lose our mortgage insurance and other factors. For us, it made sense and was a very good financial choice to get cash up front, however we also bought a foreclosed home and poured blood, sweat and tears into it. We also devoted a big portion of my pay check to the adoption for quite awhile so that, when the time came, we had a good stash to pay for the immediate costs of lawyers, hotels and other stuff. But without a doubt, the upfront need for money is the biggest obstacle there is to adoption. That said, well over half our adoption costs we expect to get back through both the grant and tax credit. There are some other grants out there you can also apply for, althought we found most of them to not be available unless you are already in the process of adopting.

But really:
I doubt I'm not the only one who has looked at adoption and worried that they might not love their adopted child the same as their biological child. It wasn't a concern that made me lose sleep. After all, as a teacher I learned that I could love any child and have, every year, wished that I could take home at least a few of my students who I knew went to homes where there was a lack of love and care. But now, I am slightly embarrassed when people express that we did something extra-ordinary or special. Bringing Ellie into our home might have started as a calling, a sense that God wanted us to help a child who needed help, but raising Ellie will not be anything like that. Ellie is ours. Ours like Hannah is ours. Ours like Abby is ours. Ellie came into our family in a different fashion than Hannah and Abby, but now that she is here, it is no different.

What's in a name?

Elisabeth Marie

I've wanted to do a post on Ellie's name, mostly because it is so significant to us.

Ellie has been named for awhile. I posted it as our girl name a few years ago, but her name was decided on over 5 years ago. Abby was named at about the time of Hannah's birth and Ellie was named about the time of Abby's 20 week ultrasound. What can I say, we are planners! (That said, no, we do not have another girl's name.)

We knew when we named her 5 years ago that our next daughter (if it was a daughter) would join our family through adoption. Although I'd like to say that both Hannah and Abby have deeply significant names in both their first names (look up their stories in the Bible- those are the women I want my girls to grow up to be) and their middle names (both of them carry names from their great-grandmothers), Ellie's is slightly more so.

First, again, look it up in the bible. John the Baptist's mother, Elizabeth, a cousin of Mary, is described (along with her husband Zachariah) as living "honorably before God, careful in keeping to the ways of the commandments and enjoying a clear conscience before God" (MSG, Luke 1:5-7). Elizabeth also later on is the first outsider (you know, not Mary) to recognize that the child Mary is carrying is the Lord. I guess when I view Elizabeth of the bible I see a woman who had hardships in her life (childless into her old age), yet never lost faith in a good God and also very connected to the Spirit of God. All things that we pray for our children.

Her name's meaning also connects to the faithfulness of God. Stolen straight from Wikipedia:

Elizabeth or Elisabeth is the Greek transliteration (Ἐλισάβετ, Elisábet) of the Hebrew name Elisheva, meaning "God's promise", "oath of God", or "I am God’s daughter".

This also deeply resonated with Kevin and I. Ellie is very much a child of the promise. 10 years ago we started talking about bringing her into our family, having no idea how or when or what the experience would look like, but we knew that God meant for us to have a child we did not conceive and we've been living on that promise since then, especially the last 2 1/2 years when it was hard at times to hold onto. A month ago I felt like we would never adopt, but I clung to the promise that we were doing what God had called us to do and somehow, some way, He would make it make sense. The promise kept us going.

Another connection we have to the name? And this one is silly. My name, my weird name-book name (sorry Mom!), comes from Elizabeth (according to the few name books that actually include it). My dad once even said that it was kind of his inspiration for my name. So, while we do no Jr's. or anything like that, Ellie's name (for me) is connected to mine and that means something to me. Especially when you add the fact that her middle name, Marie, is the same as mine. My mom, who named her first born daughter with the same middle name as hers, has always wondered why I didn't pass it on the first or second time I had daughters (not that she said it in a "you should of" way or even ever made me feel like it was wrong that I didn't). But I was always intending to save my middle name for my youngest daughter, since I too am a youngest daughter. It was a bit of a risk-who knew if this one would be a girl, but I knew I was supposed to save it for later.

Plus, my sister used to call me Liza Marie (which I loved) and now I have a daughter who can more legitimately be called Liza Marie. :)

A tiny side note, especially since I'm sure you've already thought it. Why the "s" instead of the "z"? Kevin and I are very traditional when it comes to naming. Just how we are. But I really felt like the "s" fit more. Maybe because it mirrored my name more so? I got my sweet, Seminary-educated husband to agree after a discussion we had on the name when he offhandedly mentioned that there is no "z" in Hebrew. Look above where I have the Wikipedia part. Elisábet. So, while it might not be the traditional English way to spell it, it is just as valid as a translation of the Hebrew version.

Why the Ellie instead of calling her Elisabeth full time? Well, we figured that if you name a child Elisabeth you have to be prepared for nicknames and we would like to set the nickname. Once we decided on Ellie as the nickname, we fell in love with it's sweetness and joyfulness. Can't say it without smiling. So, Ellie she is the vast majority of the time. (Abigail is called Abby full time, unless she is being called Abs, which happens shockingly often by both family and others. Never saw that one coming!)

Now the crazy part we never expected.

We met with Ellie's birth mom on the day after she was born. It was a short conversation and she didn't ask many questions, but the first one she did ask was what we had decided to name the baby. We told her Elisabeth Marie but that we would call her Ellie and that we had picked out the name ages ago. First, she exclaimed how happy Ellie sounded, then she shared that her middle name is Elizabeth (I'm guessing on the traditional spelling, don't know. We never got into our spelling.) We could tell that it meant a lot to her that Ellie had a connection to her through the name, and it especially made the whole "match" seem more meant to be to her. We too look at it in wonder. We have no doubt that God, long ago, knew of this little girl and wanted to heal the hurt and brokenness she was born into. Ellie, somehow, was that child we were praying for so long ago and her name, which contains both her moms' middle names, seems to tie the connection together.

Picture post of Ellie

So we might have forgotten our lovely Rebel DSLR at home (we figured that out about in Davenport), but luckily iPhones take decent pictures!

Right when we met her!


Not our first time holding her, but the first time no one was watching us!








That first night...





Hospital photo shoot on Tuesday. Photographer who came by just had to hold her. :)


Rearranging life for Ellie. Here Kevin is finding some to do the wedding he was supposed to do on Saturday. Or maybe canceling the baptism for Sunday.


One of our first "open eyes" pictures!


Ready to break free!





So tiny!






At the hotel later on Wednesday


Baby changing station


Bibs- it is what protects cute outfits from stainy formula


Unexpected blessing- being just a hour and a half from Kevin's grandparents winter home! Snuggling and laundry!











Cactus pictures. Because you have to in Arizona.





Forgot about this. So tired!








Ellie has eaten out more then most 1 year olds.





A few random shots








1 week old!

Where to start?

I find myself not knowing where to start.

How about here.

Last Sunday, Kevin and I went to bed very tired, feeling very sick and completely clueless. I'm sure at some point that day we had mentioned adoption. Most days had a mention somewhere. The day before I had met with a friend at Mobius Children Museum in Spokane and while the kids played, I talked to her about my frustration with feeling stuck. Feeling like I was doing what I felt called to do, but was being ignored by God. Don't get these feelings confused with what I know to be true (which is that God never ignores, even when He doesn't answer), but we all know that sometimes head knowledge doesn't match up with feeling knowledge. I would classify my feelings on the adoption as very frustrated and denial. I think at times I would have liked to quit, but instead opted to ignore it to the best of my ability instead. And I would say that my feelings had probably been like that for, oh, a year or so. After all, this was a 2 1/2 plus year process.

Then came Monday morning at 4:30. Our phone rang, which, I'm sure you know, doesn't happen much. My first thought was, "Why is the sub line calling me on a day off? Are you kidding me?!" Then the lady on the phone introduced herself as Libby from Lifetime. Now, I've been at this long enough to know that if you get a call from the adoption agency in the middle of night, it means something! She went on to say that a baby girl had been born about two hours before in Arizona and Libby had been talking with the birthmom all night setting up an adoption plan. Kevin and I decided to not really get into details about the birthmom out of respect but here is kind of the basics-- she had contacted Lifetime in August and started the process, but didn't follow it along. She thought she had more time (put her due date at least a month later), but hadn't had prenatal care so really didn't know.  Libby wanted to know if we were interested. After a brief, blurry eyed conversation, Kevin and I called her back and said we wanted to move forward with the match.

Then came complete chaos. While I rooted through boxes of baby stuff in the our crowded, messy, nursery/dumping room, Kevin got to work finding plane tickets and suitcases. By 8:30, we were in the car leaving the girls with a good friend, with some freshly laundered baby things (think burp clothes and swaddle blankets) packed. We forgot a few items. But who needs a camera, sunglasses or Garmin navigation system? (Uh, yeah, we could have really used them.)

So, we drove to Spokane (in the snow, because every story needs a dramatic element like that), hopped on a plane (thanking God for free airline tickets that allowed us to fly at a moment's notice) and flew to Arizona. From Phoenix we drove almost two hours to Tucson, arriving at the hospital at about 6:30, 13 hours after the phone rang, 15 hours after birth.

It is rather strange to show up at a hospital, in a city you've never been to, in a state you've never been to, and walk up to the front desk and say you are there to see a baby you are adopting. It took awhile, but someone finally was able to help us to the maternity ward, where a very nice nurse showed us around the floor and finally, FINALLY, brought us to the nursery where there was just one little bassinet.

Of course, because this is an adoption and things seem to go awkwardly, we had to show our driver's licenses before we could meet her. Later, after a bit of drama regarding whether we could bring her to our room to stay with us, we had to give them our licenses to hold on to (seems more like how you rent bowling shoes then a way to have your daughter keep you up all night, but whatever). I will say that everyone was so nice that we dealt with. The nurses in the nursery had been in there all day caring for her and raved about what a sweet girl she was (turns out, they weren't lying or biased-she's fantastic).

The next day or so were a blur. Mostly because at that point we were so extremely exhausted. We hung out in the hospital room, caring for baby and frantically trying to rearrange the next week or so of our lives to accommodate a complete change of plans. We spent some quality time on the phone with the lawyers. Lawyers is plural because we have one in Arizona and one in Spokane. Both have been great helping us out and are working hard to get everything settled for us. We also meet with the pediatrician, which was nice. He was intending to release us on Tuesday, but due to not knowing the birthmom's Group B Strep status decided to monitor the baby for another day. That was great with us--one less day paying a hotel!

We also met the birthmom on Tuesday. She was a bit hesitant to meet with us, but ended up stopping by with her mom. It was a very nice visit, although one of those that words don't really work right. She was happy to meet us, looked at the baby, was glad to hear what the doctor and nurses had been telling us regarding how well the baby was doing and was glad to hear about Hannah and Abby. We gave her a profile (a fancy adoption resume/scrapbook) and she talked about how pretty our girls looked (I, of course, agreed). We also had a funny conversation about life in a small town (she isn't from Tucson, just drove in to deliver). After we exchanged email addresses so we can send her and her mom pictures, they left. I think talking to the birthmom helped me start to breathe easier. The scary part about adoption is the fear that the birthmom will change her mind, but after our talk, I stopped worrying about that. (Follow up: on Thursday, in a court in Spokane, birthmom's rights were ended as the 48 hours she had to change her mind had passed.)

There is so much more to share, most importantly details about the baby! I'll get to that hopefully later, maybe even tomorrow. I'll also try to do a picture post, although if you want to see this sweet girl, go on facebook-we've been posting new pictures daily.

Changes

At this point, I don't think I'm even going to apologize for my almost 3 month absence. Life has been full and busy and, as a result, the blog has been silent.

But that brings me to the topic of my first post in recent history.

After 3 great years of teaching 2nd grade, 3 years where I loved almost every minute of my job, we decided to make a change and I kind of quit my job. I say kind of because I had every intention of quitting but instead ended up asking for a year's leave of absence. This gives me the time I need to focus in on my life, my kids, and my home like I need to, but also gives me a way to go back in a year if that is what is best for all. I'm thankful for the leave, it was a gentler way to have the break we needed but still feel very connected to the school and staff that has become such a big part of my life.

It also in very good since we will, hopefully, be adopting some time soon. Kevin is always pointing out to me that we are closer to adopting today then we were when we started, something I am very quick to forget. Now that we've made it to the 2 years of waiting mark, we are on the "longer side" of waiting which means that-seriously now-it is bound to happen sooner then later. But only time will tell when that baby makes his or her way into our home.

So, next fall, when Hannah heads out to 2nd grade, I will not be going with her. Instead I'll be hanging out with Abby, bringing her to Pre-K (please don't say "preschool" to her-she will quickly correct you that she is now in Pre-K!) 3 mornings a week, and doing who knows what. It has been awhile since I've been a stay at home mom and I'll admit that I have some trepidation about it--what will I do all day? who will I see? does Kevin really expect me to clean the house since I am home? are a few of my questions. But I do know myself and figure it won't take long to start finding a regular pattern to life, filled with play dates (a luxury Abby does not really know), tea times (ahh--I got the loveliest new immersion teapot to celebrate the end of the year) and, possibly, even exercise. I also plan to sub a bit which will help pad the bank account and give me some chances to be with the kids and teachers who have come to mean so much to me.

This change was not quickly or easily done. There was a lot of thought and prayer that went into it, followed by months of essentially sitting on the decision while I waited for the school year to end. I can say, though, that I am confident that it is what is best for myself and my family and, most likely, my blog too.

Happy Easter!

Easter seems to be our holiday to get dressed up and actually use our camera! Most of the time I mean to, but on Easter I remember too! :) Here are just a few pictures--more on my facebook page.

Kevin and his girls. I love the tie askew-- totally what it is like at the end of a VERY busy Sunday! A picture of me with my girlies! Love it! (And normally I HATE pictures of me, but I am just so happy to see me with them!)

Don't they look like they are up to no good?! Better watch out!

I got a lot of pictures of the back of her head! She had no time for me!

This sums up how Hannah felt about the whole morning! I'll admit that we aren't the best parents of doing the whole Easter bunny things. We dyed eggs after church on Easter. The girls got their baskets of goodies at about 3 on Easter afternoon. We don't mean to not do the Easter Bunny (we've got no problem with the guy), but we just don't bother (or can't because of time). Still, I LOVE Easter. I love what it celebrates. What it means to our faith. I love that for our family, it really is all Jesus (with a smidgen of egg hunts and a dash of cute new spring dresses).

And then she was 7...

My first born, the little baby who's birth made me a mom just yesterday, turned 7. My mind has a hard time wrapping around her age. In some ways, I swear she is just a little girl, barely past the toddler stage, but then I watch her and see these amazing girl growing where my baby used to be. Hannah stuns me. She used to be my handful, my live fire cracker who kept me on my toes, but now she more resembles a careful, thoughtful, maturing girl who is regularly described by others as quiet (I know--what? never thought that would be used in the same sentence as her!) and loving.

Hannah *most of the time* demonstrates enormous patience when dealing with her sister. Abby. Their relationship is amazing to watch and I pray that it continues. Of course, Hannah has been known to say, accompanied by an eye roll, "little sisters can be SOO annoying!"Here is Hannah opening presents at her rainbow party--loved how the streamers turned out! (Thanks Pinterest!)Table, ready for happy girls! Hannah had the smile pasted on her face from the moment she woke up--so happy to be the birthday girl!

Make a wish! (She is at the age where she quickly said, "but I'm not telling you!")

Rainbow cake! Love how the colors look!

So yummy looking and tasting!! I'm continually reminded what a privilege it is to be Hannah's mom. I think I'll blink and somehow it will be another 7 years flying by. Of course, then she'll be 14 and I'll be begging for your prayers... Maybe start now. :)